Sampfords Cricket Club Player profiles
Name: Mark Enoch Everard
Outlandish cad and raconteur Mark has a selection of booming heaves when batting that belies his Renaissance manners away from the pitch. Every man should be pleased to know this chap, yet must rightly remain dubious about introducing him to your sister. He probably keeps a TR5 in a lock up just off the Camden high road – that’s the sort of chap he is. He resigned from his role as personal taximeter cabriolet for the Sunday captain (even though it was the most outstanding and bewildering peak of his life), but still holds the position of bad bowling hog. He is a pre eminent doctor and a county renowned cad.
Most resembles from history: William Catesby locking a minor in the ice house.
How to recognise: Howards doppelganger
Favourite quote: Come, fill my goblet and bring me the goddamed Lancet.
Name: Edward Garry Maidment
City slicker of natural disaster proportions, with yah boo money speak flying from his bovine gob, Ed Maidment bats and bowls as though one of satans little helpers was about to brand his large colon with the word bankrupt. Unfortunately his ability doesn’t warrant this time the dark lord has spent on him, a missed opportunity perhaps, because where he is a qualified legend is on the dance floor. A state of utopia is reached through raw passion and devotion to the music, however poor. Unlike most sordid love affairs conducted in front of a crowd, this one is a sheer joy to behold.
Favourite quote: That man sleeps with his bat.
How to recognise: Driving a classic motorised vehicle.
Most resembles from history: Lord Winterton extinguishing a candle with tears in his (working) eye.
Name: Steven Bartholomew Ward
Right handed bat of harmonious sublimity, Steve Ward was believed to be the first player to introduce the batsman’s safety crash helmet into the modern game of village cricket. Upon closer inspection by the ICC it was revealed to be his full head of hair coiffuerd to timeless perfection. It won the salon two tickets to Thorpe Park in a photo competition and Steve Ward fame and fortune.
How to recognise: Easily found on google.
Most resembles from history: Maud Gibb telling the fishmonger it was a one off, a stupid mistake, that will never happen again.
Favourite quote: Is your grandmother perchance open to perform the South Slovakian Slammer?
Name: James Abdullah Smith
Considered an advanced cricketing intellectual by the Cognoscenti following his destruction of a junior with beamer, bouncer, yorker, James Smith is a determined batsman and resembles an iron pumping whippet in the field. Confirmed by Ridleys Essex Records to have bowled the 7th longest over in recorded village cricket, taking up as it did, most of April.
How to recognise: Splashing his cash at the bar.
Favourite quote: I’m so happy I no longer cast a despairing blight on opposing sides.
Most resembles from history: Joseph Banks practising the customs of the locals.
Name: Gregory Chip Banks
The ravishing Greg Banks is the mistress to cloven footed Irish money lord Michael O’Leary. This is easily overlooked as he is a runaholic of such stoical proportions you could safely hang your pocket watch over middle stump when he is flowing with the bat. It would be quite stupid to do this, but nevertheless you could. When bowling he believes in the varieties of flight so greatly he hardly ever uses the aid of the pitch.
Favourite quote: Your best friends are the ones it takes you longest to realise you hate.
Most resembles from history: A forlorn Margaret Beaufort being led to the medical room.
How to recognise: A somewhat sinister smile speedily slips over his bleached teeth.
Name: Steve Theobald Thrower
With forceful volume and dressed in someone else’s kit, Steve Thrower is a bridge between classic and modern village cricket. Whereas his batting technique is pure Broadhalfpenny Down, he is a forward thinking progressive in other areas such as developing the new style belly catch. Against the tail he is a fearsome bowler and happily in the pub he is the first to get someone else to purchase the beverages.
Favourite quote: Whose raand, paand?
How to recognise: Dressed in Speedo’s.
Most resembles from history: Pliny the Elder taking umbrage at the prices on offer from a crafty cider salesman.
Name: Edmund DeShuan Byford
Every team you study through-out the diverse history of our charming game, have all had at their disposal an unabridged cuckoo, a moonstruck crackpot, a lunatic manifest as uncontrollable enthusiasm, this man for The Sampfords is Edmund Byford. Shots of olive oil, claiming 4 wickets dressed in ladies underwear, performing sodomy in a hotel window for the benefit of the team – this man has done it all. He has lately developed a technique to unsettle the batsman by talking to them about his life.
How to recognise: Ill fitting lounge suit and vile tie.
Most resembles from history: Patriarch Tarassios slyly smiling as he worships an icon previously outlawed by imperial edict in the Byzantine Empire.
Favourite quote: Poets have hitherto been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
Name: Charlie Pip Burrett
Well heeled Master of the Manor, Charlie Burrett peers in disdain down his impeccably carved nose at any bumbling fielder foolish enough to mis-field off his right arm quick stuff. Personally I would not countenance those botherbugs suggesting membership of the Quick Bowlers Who Complain Of Others Fielding When Actually They Are Not Up To Much Themselves Club. A genuine village speedster in both bowling and employment.
How to recognise: Composes poetry by moonlight.
Favourite quote: Sin writes histories while goodness lies silent.
Most resembles from history: William Blake imagining the not yet invented curly-wurly.
Name: George Eileen Smith
With bucolic appearance, sometime favourite son of Sampford, George Smith, earnt himself the nickname of ThePneumaticCarrot from the locals, due to the volume of air he delivers with every ball followed by plaintive cries such as ‘Ah that one be near to having you sir’. Following a wild moment by the gents, a suspected case of hydrophobia caused by a fox bite turned out to be nothing more than post match drinking anger.
Favourite quote: Honesty may be the best policy, but by a process of elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.
How to recognise: Lets not even go there.
Most resembles from history: A tubby Arthur Miller osmotically absorbing a sea food tureen.
Name: Simon Trixie Hughes
Tedious to the point of pain, Simon Hughes can kill a conversation from 73 yards away and his pointless facts cause people to speedily cross the road in an attempt at avoidance. A sulky captain not worthy of his place in the team, never having the right thing to say and a perverse delight in petty factionalism, single him out as both a man of the people and the down-to-earth-go-to guy when you have any problem, cricketing or private. Once asked Jesus why he was given such a painful desire to play cricket coupled to so little talent – Jesus hasn’t yet bothered to reply.
How to recognise: Standing on the edge looking awkward.
Favourite quote: When in doubt, have a man come in with a gun in his hand.
Most resembles from history: Francois ‘papa doc’ Duvalier blatantly rigging the constitutional referendum.
Name: Scott Ugo Blyth
As the first man to have two quotes recorded for eternity in the Sampford Little Book of Wit, Scott Blyth can safely claim to have the smartest banter in the team and it is this harmonic rhapsodising that singles him out as a holder of unwavering power over the fairer sex, of (mostly) our own species. He is currently working on a novel retelling the delectably exotic story of him, a red rose and a show jumper.
Favourite quote: If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinise it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If on the other hand he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance with his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.
How to recognise: Aggregate in his hair.
Most resembles from history: An emasculated Tippy Balendino sheepishly watching Rosa Parks start something big on the Interstate Bus Network.
Name: Colin Dillon Caistor
If a man is full of surprises it is Colin Caistor. Emerging from his Lotus induced cloud of dust you expect to see a city type in a sharp suit, instead of the wildman dragging Londis plastic bags in his wake. Likewise his batting has the capacity to produce surprises. A ball of decent line and length will be safely defended back to the bowler before the next, identical ball; will travel off his bat, over the hedge onto the roof of the tennis hut where the insatiable players of that sport are probably, once again, inside checking each others organs for tennis elbow.
How to recognise: Tobacco in his beard.
Most resembles from history: Turkmenbashi commissioning a statue of his own head that revolves to always face the sun.
Favourite quote: No one gossips about my secret virtues.
Name: Simon Neville Green
With matching baseball hat and branded footwear, Simon Green lays half way between the power rangers and a big-brother-x- factor-try-hard. This can be easily overlooked when he is batting or bowling with embers aglow, but on days when it is not going well, once again the clamour returns to his diabolically outrageous wardrobe attire.
How to recognise: In Thaxted Surgery.
Favourite quote: I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this years fashions.
Most resembles from history: An irate Ben Jonson certain he put his pencil down just there, by that book, so where the deuce has it disappeared to, I only glanced round to greet Tabitha coming in.
Name: Nick Igor Hopkinson
After he single-handedly increased the Essex sales of chicken in a basket by what a conservative commentator described as ‘nigh on 27%’, Nick Hopkinson was offered the chance to work in one of the counties most prestigious retail outlets – he turned that down for a tour of duty at Sainsburys. His love of chicken (in a basket) or leg side run scoring has not abated as the moons count past. A small calculation leads me to think that by June 2011 he will have had more chickens (in baskets) than runs scored.
Most resembles from history: A footman to Eleanor of Aquitaine mistaking the French court for a treacle pudding and pouring custard down the breeches of Louis VI.
Favourite quote: Put that disgraceful salad poison in the log effect fire and for goodness sake turn up the gas.
How to recognise: Ugliest cricket shots on display.
Name: Ryan Trev Webster
Reflecting the current zeitgeist to understand and relate to the youth of today the cricket club decided to adopt the customs and knowledge base of tracksuit wearing gypsy child Ryan Webster. With either 3 or 4 haircuts (no accurate figures available) and the shinning horde of a proud magpie glued to his earlobe, the team now has direct access into the psychology of the underling generation. Luckily for us the little whippersnapper is also a jolly fine, if somewhat ponderous, batsman and wicket keeper.
How to recognise: Revolutionised hair styles in the Sampfords without even a nodded glance at the shortback and sides brigade.
Most resembles from history: A panicked Abigail Adams arguing with her mother about throwing her life away over a so called country lawyer.
Favourite quote: You should try everything once – except incest and Morris dancing.
Name: Nigel Briarclough Jones
Even if Nigel Jones had any redeeming features whatsoever or points of interest to comment upon, I am suffering such paroxysms of pain over typing for such a truly interminable time period, I would not chance the serious mental convulsion that would surely follow were I to bother dragging it from the depths of my tiny rotten brain. Luckily for me he has none to write about anyway.
Favourite quote: PJ man, you can see!
How to recognise: Straight face to match his straight bat.
Most resembles from history: Hugh de Bigod, Lord warden of the Cinque Ports, applying so much hair cream it blocks the canal.
Name: John Humphrey Everest
With a mane of red fire flowing out behind him as he roars up the cricket field in his supercharged Nissan chariot, John Everest is the Boudicca of the cricket team. Like her he shows no pain or fear when being struck by a well timed cricket ball in the tallywackers – I am sure if you asked him nicely he would wait until they were left temporarily unguarded and then sack Colchester, London and St Albans. Boudicca was however a better bat.
Most resembles from history: I think I’ve done that bit up there.
How to recognise: His car will parked on your bag/toe/head.
Favourite quote: I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. The games afoot:
Follow you spirit, and upon this charge Cry ‘God for Harry, England and St Ambrose patron of candlemakers’.